Are you struggling to talk to your crush? Are you still single and wondering why? Or is your current relationship not the one you’ve always secretly longed for?

Well, after extensive literary research, I may have got the answer for you: you’re simply going about dating and relationships the wrong way. All you need to do is follow these strategies, and you pretty much can’t go wrong!

First, you have to ask yourself: What do I actually want in life? Think of it kind of like writing a book. If you want to make it in the publishing world, you don’t just start writing without any idea what genre your project is supposed to fit into. Similarly, you need to think about what kind of romantic life you aspire to have. Pick a genre, and go with the tips I’ve listed – you’re guaranteed to end up in a relationship that is the perfect fit for you!

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20th-Century Fantasy

(a.k.a. the inspiration behind this post)

Look guys, you’ve just been searching for love in the wrong places.

If you’re a girl, all you need to do is go into the deep, dark woods in the middle of the night, preferably during a full moon – its light is sure to show off the beautiful white dress you’re wearing! Then, find a mysterious clearing and start singing! I guarantee you, no guy will be able to resist.

And if you’re a guy, what are you waiting for? Get into those woods and find your maiden! You will be so struck by love that you’ll propose immediately and can finally get to producing that heir you’ve always wanted.

If you’re queer, though, I’ve got bad news. You can send out all the lovey-dovey vibes you’ve got, but you’re never going to have your big moment. I recommend trying a different genre.

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21st-Century Fantasy

This genre is for all you strong females out there who don’t think singing in the woods is the way to go. However, there are prerequisites for this, too. You have to be stunningly beautiful, but not know it. And be extremely bad-ass. If you’ve got that, though, you’re all set! Just go find the closest unnaturally hot-looking guy – he’ll fall for you once you share your traumatic backstory, I promise! And the sex will be amazing – this guy has one of the longest “finely crafted swords” / the best “velvet-wrapped steel” that you will ever find, and he can even make mountains tremble. Just make sure that you have some weird weed on hand that you can eat afterwards. We don’t want you getting pregnant before the final battle!

If that’s a bit much for you, though, no worries. You can also marry some foreign leader (whom you’ve never met before) for political reasons. You’ll probably have to wait until after marriage for the juicy parts, though.

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Science Fiction

Look, if you’re an adult, you don’t need love. You’ve got a ton of other stuff to deal with right now. You might be stranded on a foreign planet all by yourself (in which case the meeting-someone part is kind of difficult anyway) or struggling to contain some rampant dinosaurs. Chances are, you’re a weird computer nerd, and no one will want you anyway (No offense).

But if you’re a teenager and going for the YA version, things are looking better! You don’t really have to do much. Sooner or later, something catastrophic is going to happen, and you will be forced to work together with someone you hate in order to save the world! And this is not as bad as it looks! Trust me, that other person has some hidden qualities that will make you want to tear their clothes off in no time.

Also, be open to inter-species dating! Some of those aliens out there have some pretty cool mating rituals…

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Shakespeare Play

This is for those of you who want optimal results without any work. Love has never been so easy! Just walk out onto the street or go to the nearest nobleman’s house, and the first person of the opposite gender you see – that’s your true love! You will fall for each other immediately; you don’t have to do anything! Make sure to be adequately funny with lots of bad puns, though. You don’t want to accidentally end up in a tragedy… And if you’re a man, watch those other men closely. Chances are, it’s just your true love in disguise, waiting to make a fool of you…

However, if you’re gay and named Antonio, I’ve got bad news. Your love is destined to be forever unrequited. I’m sorry.

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Regency or Victorian Classic

All you need to do is find someone completely out of your league, and you’re guaranteed to have the love story of your life! One of you needs to be rolling in money, the other relatively poor but still respectable. Make sure to go to plenty of dinner parties, balls, and walks out in the British countryside, because that’s where you’re guaranteed to meet that significant other of yours. That is, they might also be a childhood friend or your employer. So scrutinize the people you already know closely, too! Oh, and a bit of miscommunication never hurts, either.

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Historical Fiction

If you’re going for English-speaking historical fiction vibes, keep a look out for a strong, but oppressed warrior or a struggling artist if you are a woman, and a damsel in distress if you are a man. As a girl, you have the best chances of snatching a guy if your social background is either as ordinary as it gets or if you are super wealthy (exception: WWII books, where it’s good to be Jewish or in the Resistance – this will increase the relationship drama, since your love interest will most likely be a Nazi soldier). Then, it’s best if you get lost or injured in some way – warrior-man is sure to swoop in and look out for you, even if he pretends to hate you at first. And as a guy, just keep a look out for women in precarious situations. They’ll probably be mad at you for helping them at first (since they clearly didn’t need it), but secretly, they’ll be drooling over those abs of yours. Oh, and it also doesn’t hurt if you have a horse, but only one, so you will have to reluctantly share it with your girl.

If you want a historical adventure à la German authors though, you have to do things very differently. If you’re a girl, it’s best if you have some traumatic history of being sexually abused by a family member or friend (although, of course, you never actually had intercourse because it is very important that you’re still a virgin). Then, make sure to get yourself into some situation where you’re sharing a house/room/train/whatever with a quiet and thoughtful guy, who will then, on his way back from the bathroom, hear you screaming out in your sleep. And if you’re the quiet but thoughtful guy, use that chance! Go into the room and start stroking the girl, and then when she wakes up, make sure to bond over her traumatic past and tell her that none of that matters to you. This is guaranteed to work! Don’t hesitate to reach out, I have several book recommendations if you want to master the art of how this is done.

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Literary Fiction

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but whatever your love life looks like, you probably have a lot of baggage. Prior abuse is a good prerequisite here, too, as are things like a death in the family, cheating, depression, or your general struggle to connect with people. Also, there’s a pretty good chance that either you, your romantic partner or one of your children might die prematurely, so that you or those around you can explore the darker, realistic themes of life.

However, if you are determined to go with the literary way of life, I recommend you just choose some guy you know and marry him. It doesn’t matter whether you like him or not. True love is a myth anyway, you’ll just have to learn to fake it until it feels kind of real.

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Crime

You’re way too busy for love! To solve all those cases you’re dealing with, you need to be a workaholic. That’s why you and your ex broke up in the first place. A few one-night stands should be enough to satisfy your needs, and don’t you dare to actually let them get attached to you!

Oh, and if you do decide to enter into a relationship? Congratulations, you’ve just solved your case! Your significant other? That’s the bad guy/girl you’ve been looking for this whole time! Hurry up and arrest them! (This also goes for thrillers – don’t you dare and trust your significant other!)

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Horror

You’re gonna die anyway, so there’s no point in looking for love. Sorry.

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Paranormal

Pick this genre if you want a truly fulfilling relationship that consumes you! After you find your man (because, let’s face it, unless you’re a vampire, werewolf, alien, angel or some other supernatural being, you don’t stand a chance in this genre if you’re male, and if you’re queer, your chances are almost as bad as in 20th-century fantasy), you will never think about your family or friends anymore.

How do you find him, though? Well, that part is pretty easy. Keep a look out for that stunningly beautiful guy who, miraculously, doesn’t seem to be popular at all. Other people avoid him, and you get a sense that he’s kind of … dangerous. Still, he somehow feels magnetically attracted to you, even though he brings up in almost every conversation that it would be better if you weren’t friends. This is also a very important sign that you’ve got the right guy! To truly get this guy to open up to you, though, you need to be willing to take risks (or be astoundingly stupid). Get yourself into an incredibly dangerous situation that means almost certain death – your guy is sure to swoop in and save you!

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Romance

If you want to be consumed by your love, but don’t want to marry a guy 100 years older than you, this is the genre for you! You actually have several options how to go about this:

a) Do you have that one colleague who is always stealing your show and whom you absolutely hate? Or that super-mean someone who bullied you all throughout high school? Congratulations, you’ve just found your future boy- or girlfriend! It doesn’t even matter if you’re bad at making a good first impression. This person detests you anyway, and the ruder you are to them, the better they are going to remember you! At some point, though, you’re either going to discover a vulnerable side to them or end up in bed together and realize that you actually kind of like their body. This will happen naturally, so don’t force it! Just make sure to spend a lot of time with people you hate.

b) Do you have a best friend who just gets you? A best friend who you sometimes end up sleeping with, even though there is nothing romantic going on between you and you always agree that you were only going to do it “once”? Well, then you’d better wake up! This is your soulmate, so don’t you dare and wait until they’re dating someone else to realize it. Your heart will be broken, and you will waste precious time that you could have just spent together! So just go ahead and go out already – your friends already assume you are, anyway.

c) Are you sick and tired of people making fun of you for being single? Do you need a way to stay in a country legally? Do you want to go to some sort of fancy event reserved for couples? Well, then go find yourself a fake date! Or even fake-marry someone! Just ask a casual acquaintance or some random stranger to help you with this. They don’t know you, so this shouldn’t be embarrassing at all! Just don’t go and pick out the dumbest or ugliest person either, since sooner or later, your relationship is bound to go from fake to real.

d) Who needs love when there’s lust? Just go find that hot guy or that girl with the sexy ass and get right to it! You don’t even need a bed, the wall or some weird piece of furniture will do just fine. And if you need to grab their attention first, lots of staring and awful pick-up lines should do the trick!

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YA Contemporary

If you want your love story to be quirky, just make sure that you’re not like other girls or way more sensitive than regular guys! You’re guaranteed to make at least two people fall in love with you. Make sure to toy with their feelings for a decent amount of time – Because how are you supposed to pick between all these wonderful options? – but then go ahead and choose the person you met first. This tactic also works wonderfully in other genres, though your options there are even better. In fantasy, for example, just find some way to make two of you immortal. Then you can marry the mortal guy first, the immortal guy second, and everyone is happy!

If you’re the more depressed type, though, make sure to find someone with mental or medical issues at least as big as yours. I have to warn you, though: this person is probably going to die. Soon. And you’ll be even sadder than before, although you will realize that you’ve learnt what it means to be an adult.

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Dystopia

Let’s face it – you’re also going to be in a love triangle here (at least if you’re going for the YA experience). Although, to make things fair, you have to choose the person you met second this time around.

If you’re an adult, though, chances are that your government has messed you up too much to ever make you long for love. Or your significant other is a government spy looking to rat you out. Or they are killed by the government and make you extremely depressed. Just avoid love in these types of dystopian settings, okay?

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Middle Grade

You’re too young to date!

But in case you want to market your life story with potential to extend past your middle grade years, make sure that your best friend has the opposite gender as you do. That way, you can fall in love with them later.

If your best friend has the same gender though, don’t worry! Your chances aren’t as great, but books are getting more and more diverse… You still have a shot! You are eventually going to fall for your best friend though, no matter what.

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Romantic Poetry

You wander through the barren fields,

the wind blows hard, it never yields,

a storm of grief and sorrow.

Will there be a tomorrow?

You do not know,

but in the snow

a figure moves towards you:

A maiden fair with cheeks of rose,

a countenance that sweetly glows –

but oh, alas, her finger!

That golden blaze will linger

in your heart forevermore,

Oh cruelty, like naught before!

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Modern Poetry

you will never be loved

because you are

damaged

but a strong princess

doesn’t need love

anyway

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Follow these tips, and you’re guaranteed to have a love story that rivals any fictional work out there!

Feel free to share your success stories, romantic literary encounters, and any tips I might have forgotten in the comments!